Flipping through the pages in my text book, I stopped on a page talking about suicide. It published some suicide notes people left behind and I read them and couldn’t help but to feel like a drop in my heart. At first, I was like, “dang, these people was really like, ‘bump this, I’m killing myself'” and then I got shook. I was one of them people. I contemplated suicide on numerous of occasions and attempted twice. Not something I go around broadcasting, but its the truth. Suicide does not have a face, a race, a class, an age; suicide comes in all different shapes, colors, sizes, and forms. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am UBERLY excited to not have successfully killed myself because I can live to say that that “low” at that time is not the worst, life has a strange way of unfolding things.
For as far back as I can remember, I always felt unwanted. Hearing that you were a “trick” to get here, being rushed into school, witnessing domestic violence, being “touched” (and not by the Holy Spirit), called “ugly”, “fat”, being told “you’ll never amount to anything”, being called an “hoe” by your own family, only praised for doing good in school to rub it in the face of others and pretty much place your peeps on a pedestal, feeling unloved, unwanted, and like you didn’t belong, losing yourself for the sake of “having a man (or woman)”; its pretty easy to want to escape that FOREVER! I remember always feeling like I didn’t have any one to talk to because no one would understand. I was always just told, “oh girl, you’re over reacting, get over it” or called a “drama queen”, then as I got older, it just became much easier to hold things in (working on it!). I used to talk to myself and cry myself to sleep plenty of nights, losing myself in songs, asking God, “why me, what have I done to deserve this!?”
I’ve never been good at expressing myself verbally, but always been writing since a child. I remember cleaning out my room one day and finding things I’ve written but never gave to anyone and chuckled a little bit. I always thought I started writing back in the 10th grade after my first heartbreak, but I’ve been writing! How ironic is that!? In Jeremiah 1:5 (NET), God says, “Before I formed you in your mother’s womb I chose you. Before you were born I set you apart.” So now I’m seeing that while I was swarming around with my brothers and sisters that didn’t make it, I was already DESTINED to be CHOSEN and SET APART. How cool is that!? Now if I would have succeeded in killing myself, I would have never read that verse a day in my life and realized this, because baby, let’s be honest, before I rededicated my life to Christ, the only time my Bible got action was when I felt like I needed to go to church and that was only to read the verses talked about that morning. Nothing more, nothing less. The Bible is so interesting, I wish I would have been gotten into it, but it wasn’t my time yet. I was still being worked on and still being worked on.
But anywho, this blog is about suicide and the feeling of “unwantedness”. Just listened to Sarah Jakes talk about being and feeling like an outcast. I’m sure quite of few of us feel this way, and I know I’m not alone in this. For that simple fact alone should give hope. There is life after hurt, that is joy after pain, that is smiling after the tears. I’ve been through so many lows in my life to where I figured I couldn’t go back there anymore, but guess what?! I did!!! And I placed myself there from going against Him and what I knew. But now, even on my lowest days, I still smile and say, “God, I know there is much better than this and I am looking forward to it” and there is NO way I am saying that its all glitz and glam living a “saved” life, because it’s not, you will still experience some things that life throws at you, but the difference now, for me at least, is that I have someone to go to and talk to when once upon a time, I wanted to die, or drink till I couldn’t remember what caused me to drink in the first place, or get me some to “relieve some stress” and have temporary pleasure. Being as I see now what its like to not do those things and cast my burdens to Him, I would highly recommend it to all people. He don’t want you to take your life or waste your life away, He wants to give you life so that you may live it to capacity and more abundantly! (John 10:10)
In the words of Sarah Jakes, “God will not break you without purpose”. Don’t give up. Pastor once said, “Don’t conclude life is over just because you are in a season. Just live another day. If it’s bad and can’t get any worse, why not live another day!?” Suicide is very cowardly, didn’t know it at the time, but I know it now. Don’t allow yourself to become such person, you are stronger than you think. Just look at the fact of how I just put myself on blast! And don’t let NO body tell you who you are, what you will amount to, or talk down to and/or belittle you, because man has no say so, man has no control, BUT GOD! You tell them, and you stand on that, and you become that!
Romans 8:28 (KJV): “All things work together for the good to them that love God”
Be encouraged and stay encouraged.